Old Bilbo: *mutters* Ten years on and I still have hairy feet. Is Veet really that difficult to import into The Shire?
Enter Frodo stage left: I'm so young. I haven't aged a day. Now show me the money, bitches!
Old Bilbo: How about I show you this drawing of Martin Freeman instead?
Frodo: Why do you have a drawing of Tim from The Office?
Old Bilbo: *snatches back drawing* That's mine, my own, my precious. Now listen to this tale of the dwarf kingdom of Erebor, which I didn't witness, but I know all about because Hot Dwarves told me.
Flashback to younger Thorin and Legolas' dad. They have a Who-Can-Be-The-Most-Dreamy Face/Off. Legolas' dad wins because he rides a stag. Thorin gets Kentucky Fried by Smaug's foot.
Middle Earth time-travels back 60 years. Steven Moffat refuses to allow Peter Jackson to use the TARDIS noise because Jackson has already stolen Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch from Sherlock.
Enter Gandalf stage right: I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.
Tim from The Office: Does this involve Hot Dwarves?
Gandalf: Definately not.
Tim from The Office: Go away then.
Gandalf: Crap! *scratches lines on Bilbo's door in retaliation*
Enter lots of dwarves stage centre: Show us the food, bitches!
Enter Thorin stage centre: Show me a mirror, bitches! I need to admire my hotness.
Cue food fight between Hot Dwarves and Not So Hot Dwarves.
Cue song where Hot Dwarves look mean and moody in the firelight while Not So Hot Dwarves do the washing up.
Tim from The Office: I'm going on an adventure.
Fat Hobbit: Look at me, I made the casting in The Hobbit movie. Hi Mum!
Tim from The Office joins the dwarves. Cue lots of beautiful scenery which is way hotter than any dwarf.
Enter three trolls modeled on Kim Kardshian's butt. Tim from The Office gets covered in bogies. Thorin and Gandalf find Gondorian swords. Tim from The Office finds a letter opener which gets the film's biggest laugh. Balin is suddenly more interesting than Hot Dwarves.
Enter the Seventh Doctor covered in bird shit. Cute hedgehog steals the scene.
Orcs and Wargs get bitch-slapped by rabbits. Weta sends back their Oscar for special effects.
Dwarves, Gandalf and Tim from The Office arrive at Rivendell. Cate Blanchett performs the most amazing 180 degree about turn since Lance Armstrong denied being a filthy drug cheat. Sir Christopher Lee reminds everyone why he is da bomb. Hugo Weaving out hots Thorin who has shrunk to the size of Tom Cruise.
Enter Stone Giants. Enter goblins. Enter Andy Serkis. The Academy Awards pretend he doesn't exist.
Gollum: Gives us an Oscar, precious.
Academy: Not listening, not listening.
Fast paced chase through goblin tunnels. Weta gets their Oscar back for special effects.
Tim from The Office: I have a home, you don't. Neener, neener. But I'll save your asses and help you get yours back anyway because Sir Peter Jackson aka God has committed to three movies and I don't want to work with Cumberbatch anymore.
Wargs attack. Dwarves, Gandalf and Tim from The Office climb some trees, forgetting Gandalf is a wizard and has just bitch-slapped like a thousand goblins.
Thorin: I haven't had a hotness close up for at least ten minutes. Make the next one slow motion.
Cue slow motion Hot Dwarf Orgasmatron of Hawtness as Thorin stands up and runs at Azog.
Cue fast motion Hot Dwarf getting his ass kicked by Azog.
Tim from The Office mistakes Azog for Ricky Gervais and attacks. Eagles save the day. Sixty years later people will ask why the fuck they couldn't help Frodo out a bit more.
Eagles drop Dwarves, Gandalf and Tim from The Office on top of a really big rock because they're bastards.
Thorin: I love you, man.
Tim from The Office: The worst is behind us.
Thorin, Fili and Kili: We're still hot in the next movie, right?
Camera cuts to Erebor. Benedict Cumberbatch opens an eye.
Benedict Cumberbatch: Hear me roar...in the next movie!
TO BE CONTINUED...